I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go

so the countdown is less than two months. I report in lESS THAN TWO MONTHS. What is even happening here?! Didn't I open my call yesterday?

I've had a lot of thoughts, and I've observed a lot of stuff from girls who are going soon or have just gotten their calls, and I figured I should articulate some of this stuff because it might help someone. Who knows.

I want to address the girls who had a similar experience to me. I got my mission call to Nicaragua and I was shocked. And not necessarily in a good way. I was a little overwhelmed and surprised. I felt like this was my call, and like it was meant to be, but I just had the hardest time picturing myself in Central America. And speaking Spanish. I still do. There are times when I doubt myself. When I think 'there has to have been a mistake. I am not an Hermana' or 'I'm not even capable of doing this' or some sort of variation of that. For me, what trips me up the most is that I just cannot picture myself in Central America. Before I got my call, I always pictured sisters in places where I had known someone who served there- like Belgium (my aunt staci), Japan (my aunt Steph), Canada (my dad), or a stateside mission like Arizona Gilbert mission, where I am from. Spanish was never really an option. Neither was third world. Or in a rainforest. I just hadn't really seen a lot of that amongst my friends and family. I always pictured if I did get called to speak another language, id speak French or Japanese like my aunts. I had this weird narrow view of what being a sister missionary meant and what a sister missionary looks like and does.

Now, of course, my view has been totally changed. But I suppose the point of a mission is to change people and change yourself, right?

So, I prayed about it. I wanted to feel like this call was MY call that is perfect for me. I wanted to be able to see myself pulling this off.
Spoiler alert- I never got the feeling. Still haven't. But, one thing did change- I have started to see that I am actually really grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who wants what's best for me, and knows me better that I know myself.... So well, in fact, that he is sending me to a place I'd never choose for myself. Because, if I got to choose where I served then I would end up missing out on all these awesome things that Heavenly Father has in store for me in Nicaragua that I can't even picture for myself.
So, I guess what I'm getting at is that when you put those mission papers in, you're going to picture your dream missions. Places you can see yourself. Places you've always wanted to go. But, id encourage you to be brave and be open minded to whatever happens. Dreaming of a foreign mission and a new language and you get sent stateside? Guess what- there are people there who need you and our love and your service. A mission isn't an exchange trip or a vacation. And plus, think of all the girls you will influence to go on missions and think of how many countries they'll go to! That's a huge web you've created, all through your righteous example. I know I wouldn't be where I am without the awesome sisters in Arizona. Or if you say 'I don't want to go somewhere cold' and you get sent to South America, don't get stressed. It'll all be okay! Guess what? Heavenly Father knows you so well and has awesome things in store for you. Even if those things include melting in the summer. It's all part of the adventure.

---

D&C 78:17-18:
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;
And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours."

Hymn 270:
"But if, by a still, small voice he calls, to paths that I do not know
I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine;
I'll go where you want me to go."

how I became Hermana Haws

So yeah. I'm going on a mission.

Yeah, I kept it on the DL.

Yeah, I've actually been going to mission prep for a year.

Yeah, I didn't tell people till very recently, just within the past few months.

And I wouldn't go back and do it any differently.

So basically, here's the story of how I ended up with a mission call in my hands:

I have never wanted to go on a mission. I didn't grow up dreaming of getting that white envelope in the mail and wearing a little black name tag. I couldn't picture myself being a missionary- I had this serious sense of apathy towards missionary work for such a long time. 

Then they changed the age for sister missionaries. But I still felt really apathetic. I remember the age change was announced the October of my senior year. I was doing my senior scrapbook, and I remember hearing Uchtdorf talk about sending 18 year old Elders into the field, and I thought to myself- wow, wouldn't that be funny if they changed the mission ages. And then, just like that, the new mission ages were announced. My phone basically blew up with texts and calls from my friends, eager to serve missions. That's nice, I told them. I was happy for them. But I felt no desire to serve. The announcement was not a sign from the heavens. No angelic choirs sang. I never would have guessed that I would end up being one of these 19 year old missionaries. But, just wait, I'm getting there.

So then I graduate. I start work to pay for my schooling at BYUI as a music major. Life was great. I was excited for my little future I had planned out, going to school for four years and becoming a teacher. It all lined up nicely, and I felt comfortable. But, one summer day, probably around July, I woke up and realized something was missing. There was a void. I started to think of what could possibly be the problem- maybe I needed to take a semester off after my first year and go work somewhere. Maybe I needed to do an exchange trip. Maybe I need to go on a mission. 

Yeah, no, I thought to myself. I'm a music major. I can't take 18 months off. That's stupid. And plus, I don't even want to go. That's ridiculous. 

I was really stubborn. I decided that I needed to pray and ask what I needed to do. I said my evening prayer and went to bed, still with no answer. When I woke up the next morning, I got the clearest answer to a prayer I had ever received in my entire life. This wasn't just an inkling, or a vibe or a little feeling I got. No, I felt like someone was telling me, in plain English, 'Lauren, go on a mission.'

I was a little shaken up. I had never gotten an answer that was that clear and distinct. I knew this was serious business- I needed to go research this out and look into it and really decide if this was it. However, I decided almost immediately that I would tell no one. At least for a little while. Because I was still convinced that this was some hilarious misunderstanding, that message wasn't for me. He had contacted the wrong girl. I was no sister missionary. Or so I thought.

So, I got ready for work at my receptionist job. Two of my fellow receptionist friends had both recently left on missions. Tenants at the office were always asking how they were doing. Today it seemed like everyone was wondering. I ignored this. On my break, I ended up looking at my Pinterest- it was entirely sister missionary pins. I ignored that. The next Sunday, I decided to visit my friend's ward in our stake. Guess who was speaking in sacrament? Yes. The sister missionaries. The talks were about missionary work. The songs were missionary themed. The sisters bore some amazing testimonies- I wish I could track them down today and thank them for their influence on me. I found that as days passed, I was becoming more and more surrounded by missionaries. They were everywhere. And I found myself growing to love missionary work. 

But I still was hesitant. One of the things that deterred me from looking into a mission in the first place was the hoard of girls who, immediately after the age change, began flooding Facebook and every other social media site with sister missionary stuff. I didn't like that missionary work was becoming faddish- something that the cool kids did. That rubbed me wrong. Even though, in the past, I had never wanted to serve a mission, I still knew missionary work was extremely important, and very sacred and should be treated with respect. I felt strongly that a lot of girls had no respect for the work. And I feel like that contributed to my hesitating. So, I decided that from that point forward, I would keep my mission as quiet as possible. Between just me and Heavenly Father. And then just between people who are around me a lot and my close family and friends. 

So, I started going to mission prep here and there. I signed up for the class at BYUI. I registered for classes. And then I waited for the right time to submit papers and make it official. I was as prayerful as possible. And I just felt really strongly that I needed to be at school for two semesters. So I did that. I attended school, dated, had fun, did cool things. I met with my bishop about papers a few weeks into the semester. I explained my process of getting there. And we both cried. The spirit was so strong. However, he told me he felt really strongly that I needed to wait on submitting papers. And then, before I left, he prayed for me to be guided in what I should do. That was a huge deal to me. I will never forget that moment with my bishop. 

The semester went on and one day towards the end of the semester I woke up and knew it was time. By now, I had told my family and friends, but I was still keeping it to myself for the most part. So, I readjusted plans and went to the bishop and told him now was the time. He opened my papers that Sunday afternoon. I had completed them and had my stake president interview scheduled by the next Sunday. Which is kind of a funny story.

So for mission papers you have four basic parts- 1: personal info. Name, hometown, places you've lived. The basics. 2: medical records, the missionary physical, and dental check up. 3: picture, drivers license, and passport info. 4: education history and language stuff, plus a part where you can tell the brethren assigning your call anything that would be helpful. 

(After completing my own papers in a week, I have no idea how people 'work on' papers for months. It's quick.) anyway, so I completed section one in two hours. It was just fill in the blank.

On Monday, I called the health clinic at school and asked to make a missionary appointment. 'Can you come in fifteen minutes?' 'What?' 'Can you come in fifteen minutes... We had a cancellation and we can fit you in right now.' And, of course, I just happened to have a free hour. So I went to the clinic, got my blood drawn and my TB test done, and got my follow up appointment for Wednesday. 

On Tuesday, I finished uploading a picture , my passport, and my license. 

On Wednesday, I had my follow up appointment for the results to my bloodwork, and also my physical, which completed my medical portion.

On Thursday, I called a local dentist and asked when they could get me in. They told me they had an opening for two weeks from now. I was so sad that I had to wait, but I knew it would all work out. I booked my appointment, and about twenty minutes later I got called back by the dentist. 'We can get you in today, we had a cancellation.' I had my dental stuff complete by that afternoon.

Friday I scheduled my bishops interview.

It happened on Sunday. 

My stake president interview was on Wednesday after my finals. 

And, just like that, they were in.

Sometimes I feel like when things are meant to be they just fall into place. And that's definitely what happened to me. I've never had something just work out so effortlessly. I've never felt so peaceful. It was an incredible week and a half.

So then I waited. My stake president told me it would take ten days. I went home for the break, spent time with my family. Tried to get my mind off of things. My mom scheduled my temple date- June 13th in the new Gilbert temple. I found out I would get to see a temple wedding the next day. I had to say goodbye to my best friend, who leaves for her mission to Mexico on May 14th. I won't see her for close to two years, with the way our missions overlap. It was a wonderful week. And I was ready to go back to Idaho and get my call.

I happened to be in Utah, driving through Salt Lake City the day it was assigned. I remember driving past the church office building, and wondering if my papers were in there right now. They were. The next day, I tried to log into my missionary email account and it let me log in. I squealed. Pure joy. So excited. 

It didn't come Monday or Tuesday. But, Wednesday, after my music theory class, my roommate texted me and told me it was here. I literally ran home, grabbed the envelope and tried to formulate a plan. I just thought I would open it at a party with all my friends in attendance and my family on the phone. But, I felt this overwhelming feeling that I needed to open it by myself, with only a few people listening in. I walked back to the Snow building, where I spend all day in my music classes. I tracked down my friend Tyler, borrowed her iPad to record, and got my parents, sister, and two of my friends in FaceTime, and went into a practice room alone to open it. I was so nervous, my hands shook.

Dear Sister Haws, 

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Nicaragua, Managua South Mission. 

I was literally speechless. I had a hard time getting my mouth to read it. I was convinced I was a stateside missionary. Complete shock. Coincidentally, as finally got myself to read it out loud, the wifi cut out and nobody on the line heard me. So, for a few seconds till I got it working again, I was the only one who knew. And it was such a special moment. I felt so close to Heavenly Father. I was scared, but strangely comforted. The wifi came back and I read it again. My mom looked a little freaked out.

You should report to the Mexico Missionary Training Center on September 3, 2014. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the Spanish language. 

More shock. I never even considered that I might be at an MTC other than Provo. My hands were really shaking now. I didn't cry. I was filled with so much excitement. We believe mission calls are inspired. Recently I learned that we even believe they are foreordained. So, I was called to serve in Nicaragua long before I held the call in my hands. It's crazy how much it just feels like yours. It almost feels familiar. Like, duh, I'm going to nicaragua. How did I not know that before? It's crazy how right it feels to see my name on the same page as 'Nicaragua Managua', 'Mexico MTC', and 'Spanish language'. Such an amazing experience. And so special, to just be between me and my close loved ones. If I could go back I would do it the exact same. No party, no crowd of people. It was exactly what I needed it to be. And I'm grateful for that. 

So anyway, there you have it. I'm an Hermana. I'm a little overwhelmed. A little scared. But, one thing that really effected me was a letter I received from my friend Nicole who is currently serving in Puebla, Mexico. She wrote out her testimony to me in broken, new missionary Spanish. And a few parts really stood out to me: when she talked about the love of 'Mi Padre Celestial' and following 'el ejemplo de Jesucristo'. I read enough Spanish, being an Arizona native and all, to get the main idea of what she was writing about. But that really stuck with me. Lo and behold, two weeks later, I got called to a Spanish speaking mission. Padre Celestial really knows us, you guys. He loves us. The church is true. Life is awesome. And that's the story. 

Pre opening.

Yep. Those are the lovely cinder block walls of the practice rooms. Holla!

My new best friends. 

I still reread it everyday. So crazy.

Woop there it issss. Because I get asked on a daily basis if Nicaragua is in Africa. Ps- my BFF is going to be serving in Merida Mexico- you can see it on this map!

FOUR DAYS DUISJERJAOKFKSHDHA

It's been a while. Sorry. Isn't it weird how just as you think your life is really boring and lame, it suddenly picks up pace and here you are, 6 months later, about to move out of state for school? Yeah. Life is weird.

So, anyway, here I am. My things are packed. My cello is on its way to Idaho. I prepared a bunch of excerpts from two symphonies. And I am beyond stressed out and scared. But I think it's all pretty understandable. I've never been to college before, much less to major in music (so flipping scary, why did I choose this major), AND I'm moving, like 1000 miles away. Also, snow. Eek. Help.

I guess my biggest fear is that I'll get to Idaho and show up to my audition and bomb it and not get into a decent orchestra and not get picked to have private lessons with the cello professor. That would suck. Or that I will literally be the worst cello player in rexburg, Idaho. Also totally plausible, but I am kind of mentally prepared for that. I don't know if that's helpful, though. So I guess the good news is that now my expectations can only be met or exceeded. Ahh, college. I love you already.

But, life has been pretty good up to this point. I say I'm stressed about all that stuff but I'm actually feeling really at peace about it and I'm TELLING myself that I should be stressed. Which is not very nice of me to do. I should quit doing that asap. Like I said, life has been good. I got a two new jobs. One sucked, one didn't. So I dropped the one that sucked and stuck with the one that didn't. Which was awesome. And I wasn't meeting my financial goals so my parents helped me start making bread to make up for the money I needed and my friends and family helped me raise TWO. THOUSAND. extra dollars. So now I can actually eat at school. It's very exciting. And not only that but I received random donations from people and a freaking awesome laptop from my aunt and uncle and basically lots of miracles went down that allowed me to be able to go to school at all. I'm so grateful it's overwhelming, so if you contributed to this at all, know that I don't know how I can repay you. Because that's how awesome you all are.

So, yeah. I payed off my first semester. With no scholarships. And I know some of you are probably thinking that that's my own fault for not getting good grades, but compared to other overachievers at a Mormon school I am pretty unremarkable. Whatever. I FEEL pretty remarkable because I paid for school. 

So here's to hoping that I get to school and things only go uphill from here and I have an amazing time and I don't freeze to death. Wish me luck! Prayers and such are appreciated. 

hashtag nerd status

Let me preface this rant. I get that some of you wear fake glasses for fun or have done it once in your life. I get that. It's cool. I don't hate you. I do get annoyed with you all sometimes though, and I think once I explain I'll be pretty justified feeling that way.

I was 12 when I started noticing that the world was a little...fuzzy. The teacher sat me in the back and I had a hard time reading the board, but I figured this was just because the teacher's handwriting sucked or that the markers she used were too thin or something. Or, I figured, my neighbors probably can't read it either and we'll just suffer together till a new seating chart. But then they all informed me that they could see the board perfectly and that I was the weird one here.
So I told my mom and we went to an eye doctor and it turns out I'm nearsighted and need glasses. We got some simple, plastic framed ones and the rest is history.

So fast forward to August this year when school is about to start, and what do we have here? Every other post on my instagram feed is a popular girl, presumably a cheer leader or a dancer or student council member, in a pair of big, plastic, fake glasses with pigtails/an intentionally unattractive outfit/books/etc with a caption like "getting my nerd on for the new school year #glasses #nerdstatus #nerdlyfe #backtoskool".
Umm...yeah. That bothers me a little bit. I get that you're trying to be cute, but I wear glasses because I 1)Need them to see and drive and function and 2)Feel like they are a fun accessory that fits my personality and my personal style. So when it seems like every teenage girl feels like wearing glasses makes you a nerd and socially awkward and weird and a bookworm, that is going to bug me. And this isn't just a once-a-year thing. I am constantly seeing posts like this. Seriously. All the time.

There is also another breed of girly internet post that bugs me- when girls talk about having a "lazy day" or "ugly day" and make it very obvious because they don't have make up on, their hair isn't done, and- you guessed it- they are wearing their glasses. Glasses are becoming associated with being lazy, nerdy, and weird, and that's going to bother me because I wear glasses and I am none of those things. I literally saw a post the other day where a girl had just gotten contacts and posted a glasses-less picture with the caption "Just got contacts! I'm not ugly anymore!" Oh. All right. Glasses make you ugly. I was not aware. Cool.

So let me just establish some things, universe.

1. I am a girl who chooses to wear glasses. No, I am not getting contacts anytime soon. I'm not getting lasik either.

2. Glasses can be fashion forward and trendy. They are a simple accessory that make an impact. Wearing them doesn't make me any less cute or attractive than someone who is glasses-less.

3. I may be a nerd, but it has nothing to do with my glasses. I do that all on my own, foolz.

4. Don't ask me for help on your homework because you noticed I wear glasses and you assume I'm a scholar. If being smart was as easy as wearing glasses there would be a whole lot more people who wear them.

5. When I take my glasses off to clean them and you notice me without them, please refrain from using the phrase "You look so pretty without your glasses!", as if I just made the transformation from an ugly troll to a beautiful supermodel. Let's not kid ourselves- I'm hot either way.

6. And while we're on this topic, if I have my glasses off for some reason, resist holding up some fingers and asking "How many fingers am I holding up?!!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!" because I will most likely roll my eyes at you. I'm blind, not stupid.

I feel sort of bad that this post seems so angry and mean, but I'm not gonna lie, some of these girls are just plain rude with how they approach glasses. As annoyed as I am, this won't deter me from wearing my glasses. If anything, I want to wear them more to show the world that glasses are, in fact, really cool.

I used to be insecure about my glasses, but within the last few years I have really grown to love them, and one experience stands out in my mind. I went to homecoming last year with one of my close friends, Jacob. I was getting ready to go to the dance; getting my hair curled and my makeup done, and, as I was putting my dress on, it occurred to me that I was still wearing my glasses. I sat there for a minute and wondered if I should try not wearing them. It was a formal occasion, after all, and my sources had told me that glasses mean being dressed-down and casual and sometimes even a little sloppy. But, when I took them off, it just didn't feel right. So I decided I would wear them and then try to take them off for pictures so at least I would look somewhat attractive and pretty in the photographic evidence of the day. So we get together and we're about to take pictures, and I say to Jacob "I think I'll take my glasses off for the pictures so I look nicer." he stopped me. "Umm, why are you taking your glasses off?" he said, "You're Lauren."
I have seriously not forgotten that moment. It might seem insignificant, but I think that's when I started to realize that I can wear glasses if I want to because I'm Lauren, and I determine whether or not glasses make me look nerdy and lazy, or, alternatively, beautiful and cool.

So girls, continue to post your "nerd" pictures. I'll be over here posting my model shots.

Thoughts From Institute: Decision-Making, Benign Whateverism, and Repentance

One of my favorite things in the world, besides candy corn (of course), is the scriptures. Specifically the Old Testament, which feels like an old (no pun intended) BFF that I can always count on the keep me engaged and actively interested in learning more about the gospel and progressing spiritually. 

Let me put a little disclaimer here. This might be a boring post for some of you. If you don't like little rants about gospel topics then stop now. But, if you want something interesting to think about and study for yourself, then stick with me here cuz this is some good stuff.

So, I take two institute courses and I am there 4 days a week. One class is Psalms (that I am sure I will end up posting about so brace yourselves) and the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). Today I had my New Testament class and we were in Matthew 5-7-- the sermon on the mount. The sermon on the mount is one of the most discussed sections of the New Testament because it is one of the only places in scripture that specifically outlines, with the Beatitudes, how to become like Christ; or, in other words, how to become perfect. We were given quotes for this portion of the lesson, and one of my favorites was from Harold B Lee: "In His sermon on the Mount the Master has given us somewhat of a revelation of His own character, which was perfect, or what might be said to be 'an autobiography, every syllable of which He had written down in deeds,' and in doing so has given us a blueprint for our own lives." If you are looking for a piece of scripture that is tailor made for you, with advice and direction and guidance for real things that you are struggling with, look no further because this is it. The first portion of the sermon on the Mount is the listing of the Beatitudes- blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are they that mourn, blessed are the meek, blessed are the pure in heart, etc. All of which are awesome and great, but one speficially stood out: Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled (Matthew 5:6). This is the most important and central beatitude because a desire to be good and learn good and live good is the whole point of all of this- to become perfect. To change in a positive direction and become a better version of yourself. "There is too the significant blessing of personal momentum that akways comes when we practice decision making in which we both reject wrong and choose good. We thus avoid what one prophet called the in-betweenness of the 'sorrowing of the damned'. It is not enough to reach a bland behavioral point when we no longer take pleasure in sin; we must hunger and thirst for righteousness." (Neil A Maxwell). It's all fine and dandy if you get to a point where you can say "I won't sin", but the mindset we need to be striving for is the step above- to be thinking to ourselves "I will strive to be good". And, not only that, but there is a whole nother level above "I will strive to be good"- "I will strive to become better". That is the mindset Christ is trying to instill here to his followers.

But being good is hard. And being better is even harder. The visual aid that my teacher used was almost a little too math-y for my tastes, it's super accurate and visual and I love it:

This is from my institute study journal...legit stuff, you guys.

So, basically, Christ challenges us to climb upward. Satan tries to convince us to take just a few more steps down the slope until we slip and are further down than we ever intended to be. That's the hard part about being here on earth- it is so difficult to climb upward and so easy to slide down. And, once you get sliding, it's so slippery and it's hard to get your footing to attempt to climb back up. 

Now, most decisions fall into the center part I outlined in green- they aren't life or death decisions. Skipping out on reading your scriptures or praying one night because you're too tired won't damn you to Hell. But, by th same logic, doing a service project or bearing your testimony won't automatically qualify you for the celestial kingdom. However, small good or bad choices slowly shift us to one side or the other. You don't just wake up one day with a porn addiction or as an alcoholic or with some major, life altering sin weighing you down and dragging you deeper and deeper down the slope- you work your way there when you go from occasionally missing seminary to always missing seminary, or occasionally forgetting to pray to never praying at all- it's gradual and you oftentimes don't notice just how far you've fallen until you're there. And, from watching friends suffer I know that the low point of that slope is a terrible, miserable place to be. 

This all seems a little bleak, but there's good news- as my teacher said "Thank Heavens there's a way to climb back out". Christ's atonement gave us the ability to repent- and, without this ability, if we slipped an fell, there would be no way to get out. We would be stuck and lost and alone. Thank Heavens for a Heavenly Father and Christ who want nothing more than for you to get out of the hole where you've fallen and to climb back up, towards them, towards the pinnacle of the slope (celestial kingdom (I'll come back to this)). If you've fallen, you're not alone, not even a little, because Christ literally felt the agony and pain that comes with failing to keep a comandment- he hears you and he knows how you're feeling. Thank Heavens for that. 

So let's say you've repented. Or maybe you never fell in the first place, maybe you're just stagnant, in the middle of the graph, not going up or going down. This comes back to the first point of the lesson and the purpose of the beatitudes- to not just be good but to get better. In other words, you're going to have to climb. 

So for example, because it is a fairly common sin and easy for most to comprehend doing (rather than "thou shall not kill"), sexual sin. One of the beatitudes says "Ye have heard what it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery". Awesome. Great. Don't have sex with anyone before marriage and be faithful when you are married. Easy. That's me deciding to be good. But then it goes further "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman [or man] to lust after her hath commited adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28). So, keeping this commandment isn't just avoiding adultery- it's also not thinking unclean thoughts, which is infinitely more difficult. But, when we do this and become better, we climb a little higher up the slope towards perfection. It requires a full commitement and dedication to the cause of climbing up this increasingly steep mountain- "Sadly, modern Christianity does not acknowledge that God makes any real demands on those who believe in Him, seeing Him rather as a butler 'who meets their needs when summoned' or a therapist whose role is to help people 'feel good about themselves'. It is a religious outlook that 'makes no pretense at changing lives'. By contrast, the God portrayed in both the Hebrew and Christian scriptures asks, not just for commitment, but for our very lives. The God of the Bible traffics in life and death, not niceness, and calls for sacrificial love, not benign whateverism." (Christofferson) That phrase is extremely memorable and powerful- [calling] for sacrificial love, not benign whateverism. We can't just be indifferent about progressing and moving forward- it should ideally be our only focus. And, it will become more and more difficult as we progress- "Obviously as the path of discipleship ascends,  that trail gets ever more narrow until we come to that knee-buckling pinnacle of the sermon of which Elder Christofferson just spoke: 'Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.'" 

Some, including me, might think 'you seriously expect me to be perfect? Is that even possible? Am I capable of reaching the pinnacle where Christ is?' With Christ's assistance, we definitely can. Think of him as the equivelant of a friend, hiking the mountain bhind you, pushing you forward so the hike will still be hard, but not as hard as it could be. 

So, anyway, the point is, change, in the right direction, is good. And change is hard. And change is nessecary. "The Final Judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts-- what we have done. It is an acknowledgement of the final effect our acts and thoughts-- what we have become. It is not enough for anyone to just go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenents of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become." (Oaks) 

Institute is awesome. And I thought this was all worth sharing. 

A Letter to My Lover-- Netflix.

Oh Netflix. My dear. I remember when you first came about...I was in Junior High, and my friends got their movies off of the internet and mailed to their front door. It was hip and trendy but then you released a new service-- on-demand TV. And I was hooked.

Before I met you, when I wanted to watch a tv show, I would go find it on the guide and record it to the DVR. Then wait for it to premier, let it record, and enjoy after it airs. It was nice, but I wanted more. If you felt like binge-watching an entire series, you had to track down a channel that showed re-runs and then wait for all of them record. And even then you have to skip through pesky commercials. That's no way to live. 

And here you come, Netflix, with your reasonable 8-dollar-a-month-fee and a plethora of episodes- no, not just episodes, but entire seasons, heck, entire SERIES available at the click of a button. And no commercials. TV-lovers rejoice!!

But, as magical as this new breed of TV watching has been, you don't exactly support effective time management. If I have to choose between homework or Netflix, I'm going to be honest...I will choose Netflix everytime. And not just one or two episodes....more like one or two entire seasons. I have spent many a night awake till the wee hours of the morning, clicking the "next episode" option over and over again for "just one last episode" of New Girl or Breaking Bad or Mad Men or whatever I'm currently obsessing over. 

And you can't really blame me- the On-Demand TV craze has revolutionized the way we watch TV by making basically anything we want to watch totally accessible and affordable. Netflix is a household name. And, understandably so. On-Demand TV is as addictive as it is innovative. So much accesibility and so little time. Which means I need to clear my schedule of pesky responsibilities like work and school so I'll have more Netflix time to catch up on the newest, coolest TV shows. As a high school graduate about to enter college in January, I am grateful for the potential movie nights and study-breaks that will be filled with Netflix. But, I am also concerned about my total lack of self control. Which means a 30 minute study break will turn into something closer to 30 HOURS of tv watching. 

So, Netflix, as much as I love you, and as innovative and life-changing as you have been, I'm afraid we might need to take some space and date other people. I'm gonna try going out with college in January and see how it goes...and for now I'm going to get more serious with work. I know it hurts, but this is for the best. It's not you, it's me. Okay, maybe it is a little bit you.

philosophical thoughts while waiting to get the tires replaced on my car (alternate title: idaho is cold.)

Well, it's been a while since I've written, hasn't it? I mean, I'm so busy doing nothing that I can't seem to get around to writing. That, and my life is crazy boring right now so there is really nothing to write about. I mean, I'm sitting in a Tire Pros place in the middle of nowhere trying to get my mini cooper's tires replaced. Nothing entertaining about that. AND THERE IS NO WIFI so I'm writing this now and will post it later, if I can even write something coherent and not-boring. Hm... now seems like the appropriate time for a thoughtful rant about college.

Time is passing and now I only have 5 months until I leave for school.... FIVE. And I'm pretty freaking terrified. 

I'm born and raised in Arizona. I am a native. I was born in Phoenix and I've survived, like, 18 hellish Arizona summers. I am used to the feeling of being all sweaty and nasty all the time for 4 months of every year. I am used to never having to bother with rain. Like, the windshield wipers on my car have kind of melted off and are peeling and little pieces of plastic are hanging on for dear life to the wipers but its all good cuz I literally only use them a few times a year. I am used to seeing cacti and lizards and desert-y mountains around me. 

I am not used to seasons. Real winters scare me. The fact that leaves can change colors freaks me out. The idea of having to suit up in winter wear before leaving the house is no bueno. I am freezing in any weather colder than 50 degrees. I'm like a reptile-- snow=panic...

AND IN FIVE MONTHS I WILL BE LIVING IN IDAHO. 

What the. Why am I doing this? I keep having this recurring nightmare of just going for a leisurely stroll after class one day and then falling into a snowdrift were no one can see me and I'm not capable of getting myself out and I slowly, painfully freeze to death. I also have nightmares about going to do baptisms at the Rexburg temple (which is on campus, beeteedubs. Score!) and then I leave with my hair wet and it freezes up and breaks off and then I have a stupid-Arizonan-who-froze-her-hair-off hairstyle. And they will all mercilessly mock me and boys will be like 'omg dudes, nobody go on dates or marry her cuz she's totes stupid. must be from Arizona. Lulz.' 

Okay, so those would be extreme incidences. Maybe some more mild things will happen... Like, I can guarantee I will slip on ice and fall at least 200 times. Two hundred is me rounding down. Basically, that'll probably happen everyday. I'll probably totally end up buying the wrong gear, too, so I'll just be cold all the time and be perpetually shiver-y like a chihuahua. Those little guys get me, they originate from Mexico so they know the struggle, obviously. 

I think  this is pretty reasonable, being afraid of the cold. Idaho has some pretty brutal winters, from what I've heard. Lots of snow. Lots of ice. Lots of wind. Coldcoldcoldcold. When I was visiting up there it was November and I walked to church with my friend Sami and I had a cotton church skirt with no tights on and I literally did not remove any of my winter gear for the entire 3 hour block of church because I was so damn cold. I could barely even see straight I was so cold. And, they had 9 am church and it was LITERALLY TEN DEGREES OUTSIDE when we walked over. So I was basically like 'what fresh hell is this' and tried to keep my cool (no pun intended) and I probably looked really dumb.  Now that I think about it, I'm guessing most of my college experience will be summed up by that last sentence. 

I mean, I appreciate BYUI. Because of BYUI and the subsidized tuition, I can afford to not only attend a university all 4 years of college, but pay it off because of their track system-- as opposed to a traditional 2 semester, August to May schedule, I will have enough time to work and pay it off in between. Which is good, because I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that I won't be makin' bank as a teacher. And, ill be at a school that is literally 100 percent mormon, so my chances of finding an awesome, extremely hawt (this is a requirement, if he's ugly it's a no-go) LDS husband while up there are pretty good. All I have to do is brave a few months of cold weather and try to not freeze to death in the process. And try to emotionally, mentally, and physically make it through moving to Idaho the first week of January when it'll be freezing. I'm shivering just writing about it, and it's a bajillion degrees outside right now. 

Okay, so I just read over this blog post. It sounds kind of stupid, but not idiot-Arizona-girl-who-froze-her-hair-OFF stupid, so I think this one's a winner.